Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.