There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!