I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
