I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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