Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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