Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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