What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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