NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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