Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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