My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
