Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
