The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
