the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
