he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
