don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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