The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
