someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Well I just put wine in my tea
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
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