we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
