I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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