i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
