I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I don't think brook has ever known best
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Sober January is a disaster.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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