U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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