I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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