Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
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you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
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I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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