so that wasnt chicken after all
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
