I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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