i just sent this text using only my big toe
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
