I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
