Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
