if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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