Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
