the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
