i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
