Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize