I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You are a genius and a whore.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
