id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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