im having a threesome with these popsicles
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
how drunk are you?
Several
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
