We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
