I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
