9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
