I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
