I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
