my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
