is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Randomize
