So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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