she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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