My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
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I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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