i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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