i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You made out with two different species that night
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
