I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
