i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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