Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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