Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Randomize
