Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
