dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
